Spottedpaw found working in the medicine den to be much easier and calmer on her mind without Lotusfire there. Was that bad to say about her mentor? She wasn't the only cat to feel that way, and in the beginning of her apprenticeship, many of the others asked how it was like working with the prickly and cold Medicine Cat. It wasn't unbearable, but they did make her feel useless at times. It was hard to supersede expectations if she wasn't given any clear ones. Most of the time Lotusfire gave her chores to do. She didn't mind some of them, especially when it came to the elders. It wasn't glorious work, but it needed to be done. But with others, it felt like they were just trying to be rid of her.

With them gone from the den, she took the time to look over each herb, quizzing herself in her mind as to its uses and application - and was notably very careful to return them to the place Lotusfire had sorted them into.

She had been lost in her own thoughts when she felt a presence come into the medicine den, the form eclipsing the light. Her stomach dropped then, certain it was her mentor. But as her nose twitched, Lotusfire's scent wasn't any stronger than before. Feeling a bit more encouraged, she turned when her name was called. They weren't here to see Lotusfire, but her! Her whole body tingled with a shot of excitement, she was being trusted by her clanmates now. Deep down she felt undeserving of it though.

Letting her eyes adjust, she faintly recognized Ryewhisker from around camp and theirs was a comforting scent from her kithood when Ridgeclan invaded. She did not know him personally though. They were a full warrior, and she was still an apprentice.

"Hello Ryewhisker," her voice was soft and caring, watching as they tried to pass it off like their insomnia was of no real importance. "Are you okay? Not sleeping isn't healthy." Anyone could tell him that, but she was trying not to be rude with her soft request for more information. "It's better to treat the cause and not just the symptoms." She wished Lotusfire taught her that mantra, but instead, it simply came to her in her dreams - and it just seemed fundamentally right.

The young molly cocked her head inquisitively as Ryewhisker approached, settling in the nest next to her as they gave their reasonings why.

…Ryewhisker wasn't a very good liar.

She could smell the faint twinges of his fear scent as they spoke. Spottedpaw didn't want to make them uncomfortable, but a good medicine cat would try to get to the bottom of the riddle, yes? For their betterment. But, there was always time for that in a moment.

At the mention of berries, the apprentice wracked her mind to see if she could remember what fruit he was referring to. The fact that she couldn't recall any berry being used for sleep made her anxious in turn. She didn't want to look foolish. Ryewhisker might be more forgiving than Lotusfire, but she still didn't like the blank that was being drawn.

"...Do you happen to know what kind of berry it was, or its name?" She spoke more quietly as she continued, her voice weighted with embarrassment. "With leaf-bare coming…many of the dried berries look the same…"

As she listened to Ryewhisker call her a medicine cat, butterflies swam in her stomach. Would she ever truly be a medicine cat in her own right? She had only been training with Lotusfire for what seemed like the blink of an eye.

"I-I, uh... sorry, talking isn't really my strong suit...

"That's okay," she smiled warmly, before anxiously padding the ground with one of her front paws. "To be honest, I'm not good with talking either. At least…not about what the other apprentices talk about." Hunting, battle moves, anything that wasn't medicine or told to her by an elder went completely over her head. She hadn't many friends as a kit, none that stayed with her to apprenticehood, anyway - they then seemed to make new friends, forgetting her.

Her anxious pawing stopped as Ryewhisker landed on the 'berry' in question, her eyes lighting up again.

"Poppy! Yes."

She turned to go deeper in the den, talking over her shoulder. "Poppy plants don't have berries. It's the seeds we give. But the seeds rattle in a sort of berry-like shell. So I can see the confusion."

She stopped again, turning around and going back to Ryewhisker.

Spottedpaw had been remembering how a few days ago some of the elders were talking amongst themselves - certain Dewsplash was addicted to poppy seeds. She'd heard before they were addictive, but she hadn't given it much thought until now. Poppy was mainly used for pain - she didn't want Ryewhisker developing a resistance to it from too frequent use.

"...Poppy can be addictive. I'm sure Lotusfire warned you already though." She could very well give the tom some and have them be on their way, but Spottedpaw wanted to try and persuade them they didn't need it.

"...If it's nightmares you are worried about, I can sleep with you if you like?" She padded closer, behind Ryewhisker. Oh that would be great. She hadn't snuggled next to another cat since her days in the nursery. The naive apprentice had no idea her words could be taken with a different meaning.

Spottedpaw waited contentedly for the weaver's response, watching as they turned to look at her, their face confusingly distressed.

"I-I-I-I, uh, appreciate it. But you see, uh, I-I'm not really into... uh,"

Her smile slowly began to drop as her brow furrowed in thought. What was Ryewhisker on about? He was already quite jumpy, but her words seemed to send the tom into a new fit of nerves.

"P-Plus, you're a medicine c-cat."

Well…a medicine cat apprentice, but. That's why she was offering in the first place. She cared about her clanmate's well-being.

Oh.

Oh, no.

He couldn't think…

Spottedpaw nearly lept out of her skin at the realization, a visible start shaking her frame as it washed over her. Ryewhisker meant sleep together like mates might.

Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

"That's n-!" she chirped with a hiccup.

Mortified, her ears grew hot and they pressed back to her skull, fighting the urge to make herself as small as possible.

She couldn't speak.

"...I…I…I…I…I meant like friends! Or siblings! L…l…like kits do! Not adults!" Tears began to well up in her eyes. She was dying. This was what dying felt like, right?

Medicine cat code aside, Spottedpaw hadn't really been given much of an opportunity to view other cats in romantic ways. She thought some of the older cats were both pretty and handsome, but it was mostly in an aspiring way, nothing else.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you think that. I just don't want you to end up dependent on poppy seeds." She couldn't meet Ryewhisker's gaze, instead she kneaded the nest moss anxiously.

"Please don't tell Lotusfire." She pleaded with the weaver. Tell the medicine cat 'what' she didn't know, but should word of this get out surely Lotusfire would find a way to punish her. She had never given them a reason to punish her before, and seeming to act against the code in such a significant way would surely be a reason to confront her. Lotusfire already frightened her sometimes, she couldn't imagine them when they had actual ammunition to fire. What if they told Hailstar? What if she couldn't be a medicine cat anymore? "Please," she squeaked again, clearly still distraught.

The apprentice couldn't look Ryewhisker in the eye, but out of the corner of her increasingly blurry vision, she saw them rush around to face her more squarely before feeling a soft lick behind one of her black ears. It did comfort her, some, but not more than the weaver's promise not to tell Lotusfire.

They were right, they always seemed to know everything. What if other cats had witnessed it and told them instead? What if other rumors started?

"Thanks," she mewed softly - her voice shaking with her body.

"W-What if I told you the real reason that I can't sleep?"

Spottedpaw lifted her head silently, using a paw to wipe away the moisture from her gaze, only nodding her desire to hear Ryewhisker's story.

They were correct in that she had never heard of the warrior called Boulderclaw, but as he continued - their tales of horror in the apprentice den reminded her of her time in the nursery. There weren't many kits her age when she resided there, but as talk of her dreams started stirring around camp and whispers about having her become a medicine cat became louder and louder. She remembered how some of the older apprentices would wish her luck in having Lotusfire as a mentor, some even pitying her that such a calm and sweet kit would get a cold and hardened teacher. Truth be told, Lotusfire had always been rather intimidating. She saw them come in to help the elders long before she was apprenticed, a scowl seemingly permanently etched onto their face. But the more and more time she spent alone with them, the more she started to question her uneasiness.

As the tom pressed himself into a loaf, Spottedpaw had better access to view the scars Ryewhisker talked about. It was hard to imagine. Not that she did not believe the weaver, but that a cat could be so cruel to another. Especially one of the same clan, one who was supposed to help, not hurt. She couldn't fathom Boulderclaw's logic. Using claws would only put his apprentice at risk for infection. Ryewhisker could die. The tom was a kind cat, a peaceful sort, like her. Spottedpaw was glad Ryewhisker was safe now. Physically at least. But that certainly explained their nightmares.

"That's awful Ryewhisker. I'm glad you are safe now though. And happy weaving." She hiccuped, still wrapping her head around the situation.

"No…no I know what you mean." She finally looked up at the young weaver. Her voice got much quieter. "...I feel like Lotusfire dislikes me. They always send me away - I don't even sleep in the medicine den. But despite that, I always feel like they are watching me even when I'm all alone. Waiting for me to fail. But I don't want to fail. I want to make them happy, but I'm not, I know it……Was Boulderclaw ever like that with you?"